Not the best weekend

Ok, I want to preface this by saying two things:

1.) Rion has asked me to share this so that everyone has a better understanding of what is going on. We are trying to be as open and honest with everyone about what is going on so there are no surprises and so we don't paint a rosier picture than reality

2.) I am not going to say specifically what we found online until we have confirmation from a doctor that what we read is correct.

So...Saturday hit us with a double whammy of suckiness (believe me, not the words I wanted to use but I'm trying to keep this PG.) First off the doctor bills have started rolling in and they are worse than I expected. I knew things would add up quickly, but I am appalled that a  hospital doctor we only say briefly can charge over $700- does it matter that no one met them besides Rion and even he doesn't remember seeing them as many times as they are billing us for?? Never the less, my plan for today is to start calling these companies and asking for a reduction in what we owe because to pay the full amount would be not only a hardship but very likely impossible. I keep telling myself I am not going to get upset about the financial aspect and getting Rion better is all that matters but it is still un nerving to see such large bills coming...not to mention that this is just the beginning. The nice folks at Duke just called to get our insurance information and were totally caught off guard when I told them I didn't have any. Now I have a call into the doctor's office to make sure we are not going to have to pay up front for anything at our appointment next week. I should be focused on getting the best possible treatment for Rion and not compromising treatment based on the financial ramifications! How messed up is that mentality- is his life any less important because we aren't financially well off. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that.

But enough about money, the real down side to this weekend came Saturday night when I had the bright idea to do some of my own research online. What we found was horrible and I only wish I would have known better than to read it in the first place and at the least, I shouldn't have allowed Rion to read it. Like I said in the beginning, I am not going to give specifics but we used some of the information given to us by the doctors last week to try and read up on what is likely Rion's diagnosis and prognosis. (I say likely because without a biopsy there is no definite proof.) But proof aside, we were devastated at the information we found. I guess we had up until this point remained optimistic that the tumor was operable, it was going to be completely removed and then Rion would return to life as normal. Of course the threat of recurrence would always be a possibility, but to read that it was highly likely, if not 100% certain. Wow! How are we supposed to digest that, sitting at home in our living room totally unprepared?

I can tell you this; we didn't digest it very well at all. The rest of Saturday night was a blur of tears and frantic phone calls to my Dad, who having just gone through a cancer diagnosis and treatment with my Grandmother, is our "expert" and go-to person when there is something we don't understand. Unfortunately this wasn't something he had dealt with so there wasn't much he could say or do to make us feel better. All of the reassuring words in the world just couldn't take away the devastation and fear that we felt. I have never in my life felt so overwhelmingly scared. And all I could think was about how Rion must be feeling, knowing this is happening to him. Neither of us had ever thought of this ending in death but Saturday night we had to accept that it could.

Initially Rion was the "strong" one who was trying to calm me down and rationalize that reading about statistics and probabilities didn't mean he was destine to the same outcome. But after a while it hit him too and he fell completely apart. He had a full blown panic attack and it was only with God's help (and anti-anxiety meds) I was able to calm him down. Unfortunately the effects of this knowledge have not gone away completely and Rion is dealing with some depression and daily anxiety that we are hoping is temporary. We are trying to move passed such dark thoughts and back into a more positive mind frame but that is proving to be easier said than done.

I don't know how to end this except to ask for your continued prayers. Yes, prayers for answers to the financial burden but more importantly, prayers for hope and optimism and prayers that Rion (and I) will be able to regain our faith that God is going to carry us through this and make everything ok.