Reflections

I like to countdown and up to events.

Every year Rion gets monthly, weekly, daily updates regarding the amount of time until our next anniversary, birthdays, holidays, vacations, etc. I'm sure he finds it annoying but it's just how my brain is wired- I am constantly aware of how much physical time is left until the next important event(s.) (I also do not possess the filter which allows me to determine which thoughts of mine are actually entertaining/relevant; Rion has the task of not only listening to me ramble, but also decide if what I'm saying is at all important enough to comment on!)

For instance, tomorrow is 2 months since Rion's seizure/ discovery of Morton and yesterday was exactly 1 week prior to surgery. To say we are emotional would be an understatement, we are on a roller coaster ride of ever changing feelings- from fear and anger to acceptance and sometimes even contentment, this is our lot in life and we are having to lean on a daily basis what the "new life" is like. One thing that blows my mind is how much deeper my emotions and opinions are these days, this is directly in alignment with the realization of what my true priorities in life are. Rion thinks it's funny that I no longer have to make the bed each day before I leave or clean the dishes up before going to bed, but I sure as heck don't miss an opportunity to tell him how much I love him or snuggle up on the couch! What used to seem so important no longer matters a bit to me and things I used to slack on, like not going to bed mad or always saying I love you before leaving, now mean more to me than being on time or getting a full nights sleep.

In a way I've appreciated these past 2 months and the opportunity to show Rion how much I truly love him and care about him before he undergoes this super scary surgery (and we finally get the biopsy results and must decide what to do next.) The waiting as been excruciating for both of us but the time we have spent together is invaluable. It has also showed us who are true friends are and made us grateful for the genuinely good people in our lives. It would be a lie to say everyone has responded to the diagnosis as we would have liked- people we thought were good friends have disappeared or become visibly uncomfortable when we told them about Morton, a few unreturned phone calls later and it's clear that they can't, or don't want to, be a part of our lives during this crucial time. While it was hard to understand at first, I have come to the realization that we are blessed with the best friends and family anyone could ask for. Relatives we hardly spoke to have become frequent contacts and friends we hadn't spent time with in years are coming forward left and right to do things for us we would have never even thought to ask for. I wish there was a way to make everyone understand how much this means to us because thank you just doesn't seem like enough. Both Rion and I hope that we are able to return the favor one day so you can all feel as blessed by us as we have been by you!

Last, I am so glad that both Rion and I have both chosen to cling to God during this time of need instead of turning away from Him. I honestly couldn't imagine it going any other way but just thinking about the turmoil and frustration it would cause if we weren't on the same page spiritually is overwhelmingly painful. We are both trying to use this as an opportunity to deepen our personal relationship with God & our trust that He is holding us in his hand even when it feels we are all alone. While I firmly believe God doesn't give us more than we can handle, I know that the upcoming days, weeks & months might seem unbearable.  I have enjoyed praying more together and hope to start doing a daily devotional for cancer patients once Rion has recovered enough from surgery.

Thank you again to everyone for all of your thoughts, prayers, cards, calls, texts and everything else you have done to help us feel the love that you have for us. We are looking forward to the last few days of spending with family and friends until we leave Tuesday for North Carolina. I probably won't update the blog again until we are in NC and let everyone know how Rion's pre-op stuff goes on Wednesday. Please continue to pray for peace and calm nerves as well as safe travel for us and all of the family coming with us.

Love in Christ,

Emily & Rion