I've been racking my brain all weekend for something to blog about but there just really isn't anything new to say about Rion. He is doing very good for the most part- he still takes a nap (or 2) most days and this weekend he slept for 12 hours each day including all his napping. I don't think his platelets are down because he doesn't have any unusual bruising like he did before. We'll know for sure Thursday when he goes for his first round of blood work since completing cycle 1 of 12 of the new chemo regiment 2 weeks ago. That is how this cycle will work- take chemo days 1-5, blood work on (or around) days 21 & 28 and then start chemo again on day 29 (day 1 of new cycle.) The running joke is now that Rion has a "cycle" and a bad week each month : )
I, however, finally made the time to address some issues I've been having and stopped ignoring them hoping they would just go away. I am doing MUCH better since I went to the doctor last Thursday and got validation that I'm not going crazy but just really, really stressed. I haven't mentioned it much here except for comments in passing but I've been having kinda a rough time lately. I think it's knowing that we're going to be dealing with this for at least another year that just makes me feel worn out mentally. At first I was all gung-ho and energized to do whatever I needed to do to get us through this but the initial motivation has worn off and now I just feel drained and tapped out. I have battled with depression in the past and I decided now was as good a time as any to start back on anti-depressant medication; after all Rion has been on an anti-depressant since he was diagnosed back in November so it makes sense I might benefit as well. I also got a refill on my migraine medication so I won't have to suffer as much when I get one of the horrible headaches I've been plagued with lately.
It's not so much the prescriptions that made me feel better but just talking with the doctor and having her acknowledge that I've take on A LOT lately and it's time to cut myself some slack and quit trying to be a perfectionist- maybe this spring wasn't the best time to start training for a 10K & taking off the few extra pounds I had put on over the winter...instead I ended up totally burnt out on exercise and faced with closer to 10 pounds that have accumulated since November. Enough is enough! Putting my nose to the grindstone and obsessing over every little thing wasn't helping me get anywhere. I am now making a conscious effort to chill out and just focus on my health and staying sane so I can be the best possible care giver for Rion.
Being a caregiver is much harder (and also much more rewarding) that I ever thought it would be. But the saying that you have to take care of yourself first in order to be a good caregiver are definitely words to live by. I've always had trouble with making time for myself because I've always been more of a people pleaser, gaining satisfaction from taking care of others instead of myself. The way I look at it now is that by taking care of myself I am able to take better care of Rion and that keeps the people pleaser side of me happy!
That's all for today- I'll be back after our appointment Thursday to let everyone know how Rion's blood work turned out.
Blessings,
Emily
Taking care of someone you love is very hard especially if you have the kind of relationship where besides God each of you is the person the other of you most lean on and look to when things are hard. It is hard to find that balance between sharing what is in your heart and trying to protect him. And yes it is physically as well as emotionally exhausting even when you tell yourself you are not doing that much "real work". Just dealing with all this is very very real work and in some ways more tiring than hours of splitting firewood. So you are not at all wrong or odd to feel that way. You're normal except of course that nothing is normal.
ReplyDeleteWe are praying for you and believing God to sustain you and give you joy in Himself.